A few days ago I ran into "Sarah" on my walk over to my house from work (which is about 1 block away from where I live)...Sarah is a friend of mine that I've probably known for about 1 1/2 years...I see her every once in awhile and she doesn't come around often, but I will see her around the Minneapolis area and she will show up every once in awhile to one of our "Open Hour Food shelf" days...Sarah has been living on the streets of Minneapolis since about her teens, surviving the cold winters, staking out her spots to sleep at night, and offering to clean certain places that she knows will give her $10 for her work...she says its so great because it gives her enough to get by, and purchase some food...and the occasional nail polish :) Sarah professes to loving God, but can't seem to accept the fact that she doesn't have to work and "do good" to keep her salvation...she recognizes the evil around her and she won't "mess with any of the alcohol, drugs, and other stuff that some of the mean men on the street are sucked into ..." She lives in constant fear of being tricked, used, being taken advantage of or having her sleeping/working space found out by others (homeless/non-homeless alike) in fear that she might lose the few things that she has, including a "safe" place to sleep at night. I have prayed with Sarah several times poking and prodding to see where her faith lies, and assuring her that if she has a personal relationship with God, that she doesn't have to fear that God is going to leave her. It is a done deal. The terrible part is eventually having to walk away, knowing that Sarah is going to be sleeping outside tonight, once again, and being left with myself and God, wrestling with the fact that Sarah is in this terrible cycle of the life of a vagabond, constantly living in fear of the "evil people around her"...the hard thing is that she doesn't want to ask for help and she keeps viewing herself as not deserving more than what she already has. She even quotes scripture to me, leaving me more encouraged/challenging me in my relationship with God. I don't know whether to be encouraged/discouraged when I walk away.. This is a good/difficult thing for me to wrestle this out with God, and still I am left with so many questions...God has placed me here, right now, to love these people and also to learn to receive love from Him myself. Please pray for Sarah. Please pray for me as I meet people just like Sarah.
I'm so proud of you sweetie. This is very good wrestling that you are doing.
ReplyDeleteHule and I were talking about the homeless the other day. It's such a deep, complex and frankly interesting subject.
ReplyDeleteBut more than reminding me of that conversation, this post made me think about how I (as a Christian) seem to know in my head this concept of grace, but, even though it may appear that I get it more than "Sarah" (because maybe I have more motivation to do what it takes to live in a more comfortable and safe environment than she is willing to live in) I think it's just as hard for me to lean on grace in those times when I feel the weight of fill-in-the-blank as it is for 'Sarah'.
When I look at my actions in the light of grace, I sometimes wonder if I really do believe it after all.
It's stories like hers that expose me most completely.
:)
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